I hate myself because I am so ugly. – Betty
Now Betty, if you really hated yourself, you would be glad you were ugly.
In fact you may even seek out ways to become uglier…
…if you really hated yourself. – Counselor
Dr. John Street, one of my professors at The Master’s College, shared this story with us while we were taking one of his classes for their MA program in counseling.
I never forgot the irony of the illustration. He said the scenario was a true story.[1]
Whether or not it was true I do not know, but the logic is clear.
Betty had fallen into the cultural trap of trying to look good, as propagated by the self-esteem gurus who patrol the pop-psychology waters spreading their twisted psychology.[2]
The real truth about Betty is that she is so in love with herself that she hates the fact that she is ugly. Personally I’m not sure what the word ugly means when applied to people’s looks. People are not ugly.
I suppose if you bought into the culture’s view of beauty and ugliness, then you could judge people as pretty or ugly. The Bible does not speak in this kind of language because it’s irrelevant. To buy into this cultural worldview is a set-up for personal bondage.
For many reasons we have made beauty relevant and we have given the “beauty gods” the right to pass judgment on physical beauty. Betty has done this. Her line of reasoning is as follows:
- She looks in the mirror.
- She concludes she is ugly.
- She hates herself.
An honest assessment would go something like this:
- Betty looks in the mirror.
- Betty does not like what she sees, based on cultural dictates and personal preferences.
- Betty is out-of-sync with cultural expectations and also not in-line with her personal preferences.
- Because of Betty’s love for herself, she hates what she sees in the mirror.
- Therefore, Betty says she hates herself.
- In reality she is in love with herself.
The real truth is that Betty has bought into the cultural lie regarding what acceptable beauty should be like and she wants to be well-received by her peers. Betty believes that her looks do not meet cultural expectations.
Therefore, she is pushing, pressing, trimming, cutting and painting herself into a mold that she hopes will be accepted by those who pass judgment on such things.
Betty is a worshipper and the sad truth is that she is worshipping herself.[3] People like Betty are more concerned about people’s opinion of them than God’s opinion of them.
Betty is more under the control of the fear of man than the fear of God (Proverbs 29:25). For her, God is not as important in her practical theology as the public opinion polls.
She has bought into our world’s theology that propagates the self-actualized man, by teaching that you must have a high opinion of yourself. The Self-Esteem Movement is one of the main proponents of this culture-based theology to psychology practice.
Certain verses in the Bible seem out-of-step and counter-intuitive to this movement.
Here are a few anti-self-esteem texts:
I had heard of you by the hearing of the ear, but now my eye sees you; therefore I despise myself, and repent in dust and ashes. – Job 42:5-6 (ESV)
We have all become like one who is unclean, and all our righteous deeds are like a polluted garment. We all fade like a leaf, and our iniquities, like the wind, take us away. – Isaiah 64:6 (ESV)
As it is written: None is righteous, no, not one; no one understands; no one seeks for God. All have turned aside; together they have become worthless; no one does good, not even one. – Romans 3:10-12 (ESV)
The saying is trustworthy and deserving of full acceptance, that Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners, of whom I am the foremost. – 1 Timothy 1:15 (ESV)
The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately sick; who can understand it? – Jeremiah 17:9 (ESV)
Self-esteem is the idea of admiring one’s self. This practice is one of the most damaging concepts propagated in our culture today. Unfortunately, many Christians have picked up on this unbiblical teaching.
It is commonly communicated as the answer for people with problems, particularly those who struggle with guilt, shame, fear, or insecurity.
Through a biblical lens
From a biblical perspective the term low self-esteem has some inherent problems. For example, if low self-esteem were the problem with an individual like Betty, then the solution would be for her to raise her self-admiration. She would need to love herself more.
Do you discern anything wrong with this solution?
Loving or appreciating herself more would only lead her to more painful self-consciousness or into delusions of grandeur–thinking she is somebody, when in reality she is not.
If not liking herself was the problem, then thinking more about herself would not set her free, but only further enslave her. One of the deceptions of self-esteem is that we are convinced that we need to think better of ourselves when, in actuality, we are already consumed with ourselves, e.g. Betty.
Attempting to raise her self-esteem will inevitably lead to individualism. Individualism always leads to an ungodly competitiveness that pits person against person. One of the self-esteem tricks that Betty could apply to herself is to compare herself to other women.
If she could pick them apart of find flaws in them, then she could feel better about herself. Self-esteem leads to loving God less, while looking down on your neighbor with all of your heart, soul, mind, and strength.
Betty’s main purpose in life could not be to love God and her neighbor while trying to elevate her own self-admiration. Her pursuit of high self-esteem will diminish the two greatest commandments (Matthew 22:36-40).
Help me jack-up my self-esteem
Self-esteem feeds on what others think of us. If people think well of us, then we feel better. If they criticize, ridicule, or make fun of us, then we do not feel better.
In order to embrace the concept of self-esteem we have to allow others to control us by their good or bad opinion. This is why Betty is paralyzed by her looks. She needs others to confirm what she is trying to convince herself of in order for self-esteem to be completely effective.
If others put her down, make fun of her, or say she was ugly, then it would be counter-productive to her high self-esteem agenda. For self-esteem to be true to its theory, then she needs others to go along with her and to esteem her the way she is trying to esteem herself.
If others do not cooperate by not loving her the way she loves herself, then she have to work doubly hard at esteeming herself. It’s all exhausting.
Or she will have to work doubly hard at changing herself into something that others will find more appealing in order to entice them to accept her so she can feel better about herself.
How ’bout we lower your self-esteem
Biblically, self-esteem is called the fear of man. It is also known as shame. You may understand the term as insecurity or co-dependency. It is basically a person who is controlled or intimidated by the opinions, perspectives, or views that others have about them.
In short, what others think of the “self-esteemer” has more controlling power over them than what God thinks of them. Fear of man or insecurity elevates the opinion of man above the opinion of God.
The fear of man lays a snare, but whoever trusts in the LORD is safe. – Proverbs 29:25 (ESV)
Insecurity or fear of man says, “I will feel better if you will like me. If you reject me, then I will feel bad. I need you to like me.” Self-esteem is fed by the opinion of others.
If feeling good about yourself is dependent upon your peer’s attitude toward you, then your peers will control your thoughts and emotions simply by letting you know what their opinion of you is.
If they tell you that you are cool, then you feel good. If they tell you that you’re uncool or gives you the thumbs down, then you feel bad. If you buy into our culture’s version of shame–low self-esteem–then you’re moving headlong into a trap.
The answer is not in how mankind views us, but an ever-increasing awareness that we are naked before God and must be clothed in the righteousness of Jesus Christ (Genesis 3:7).
We do not have a problem with low self-esteem; the true problem is high self-esteem. Low esteeming of one’s self implies thinking little of one’s self. Jesus is the greatest example of this (Philippians 2:5-11).
Self-forgetfulness is the greatest place from which to serve others (Mark 10:45).
The end of the road for high self-esteem is suicide
Suzy’s thoughts about herself swirled around her…all the time. Her mind was an endless loop of self-thought.
- She wondered what people thought.
- She would tell you what people thought.
- She carefully measured her words.
- She feared wearing the wrong clothes.
- You would never see her without make-up.
- And on and on and on into the entangling maze of painful self-awareness she went.
She was preoccupied with how she came across to others. Whenever she would leave a social gathering she would go into her mind-reading routine: assuming the thoughts of others about her.
Her carefully constructed and often wrong interpretations only led her to more despair. Though Suzy would be mortified to know, people rarely gave her much thought at all. They were far too busy with their own lives to think about her.
Her first counseling session
During her first counseling session, her counselor told Suzy that she suffered from low self-esteem. He attempted to motivate her to think more highly of herself, but was unwittingly leading her into an inescapable trap.
Her mind was already consumed with herself and the counselor was pressing her back into herself to think more about herself.
The more Suzy pressed into her inner conflict in an attempt to wrap positive mental attitudinal thoughts around her self-loathing, the more inward and awkward she became.
Her social awkwardness only affirmed what she already believed about herself: that she was exactly what she always thought others thought of her. As the weeks went by Suzy became more exasperated, exhausted and isolated from her world.
The high self-esteemer is consumed with self, which inevitably leads to withdrawing from the community. Christ-focused, other-centeredness leads into the community.
Though she was functioning at a certain level in her community, she had mentally checked out of her world, choosing to live by rote.
The end of the road
Three months after her initial counseling session, Suzy committed suicide. The report in the local newspaper said that Suzy suffered from low self-esteem. In reality Suzy suffered from the blinding and penetrating force of high self-esteem.
Her thoughts of herself were off the high-end of the chart. Mentally, she had isolated herself from her community and became a twisted, self-absorbed, irritable person, who found no reason to live.
She inevitably turned so far inward that there seemed to be no hope from her perspective. Unfortunately for Suzy, she was looking in the wrong direction.
A person who embraces the high self-esteem paradigm will run headlong into the trap of insatiable individualism as they try to elevate themselves to a dangerous level of self-awareness.
Look up, not in
Suzy needed to look outside of herself in order to rest in the reality of the One who is far superior. Christ is the answer for inner contentment and outer significance.
To be in Christ is to be all you can be, which is the best you can be. Jesus came to rescue us from ourselves, not to turn us into ourselves. Looking inward to elevate our estimation of ourselves will lead to dizzying disappointment.
Suzy attempted to self-talk her way into attaining the unattainable height of all that she could be and was found wanting. From her perspective there was no reason to live. She thought she was heading for the light.
In actuality, she was self-deceived while enslaving herself, as she walked headlong into the darkness of her inner turmoil. She was never told about a Savior, who came to set the captives free.
If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will find it. -The Savior, Matthew 16:24-25 (ESV)
Self-worth: a dangerous journey
Suzy was quite the opposite of John the Baptist and the Apostle Paul:
- John the Baptist said, “He must increase, but I must decrease.” – John 3:30 (ESV)
- Paul said, “I am the chief of sinners.” – 1 Timothy 1:15 (ESV)
Here is a question for you: “Do you think John or Paul suffered or struggled with a lack of self-worth?”
I believe if you asked them, they would not understand what you were asking. This type of language came into our Christian vocabulary during the latter decades of the last century.
From a Christian historical perspective, our self-worth was not a common consideration or a normal part of a Christian’s understanding and application of sanctification.
Any Christian who argues for a prominent place for self-worth in our understanding and practice of sanctification is making a mountain our of a molehill because the Bible does not speak to this issue in the way they are arguing.
Their primary argumentation comes from the influence of psychology books that were written in the 20th century.
What about made in the image of God?
The closest you can come to self-worth in the bible is from the argument of being made in the image of God. All humans are made in the image of God. God created man in Genesis 2:7.
We are warned in James 3:9 that we shouldn’t be angry with each other because we are made in the likeness of God. This is true, but I think it is intellectually dishonest to put the primary point of emphasis of these texts on the person.
That certainly was not the intent of the authors.
Being made in the image of God would be of no value if God was not valuable. A painting finds its value in the artist who painted it. If the artist is famous, then the painting is valuable.
The point of emphasis is primarily on the painter not the painting. When you walk into a museum to adore a painting you could say,
- “I saw Self Portrait, Open-Mouthed.”
- Or you could say ”I saw a Rembrandt.”
The first is a painting, circa 1629. The second is the painter who painted it. The latter makes the former valuable. While I would never dismiss the value of a person’s worth-Genesis and James would forbid this-I find it a bit wrongheaded to carve out a psychological worldview based on this notion.
The problem is that the point of emphasis can subtly drift from the artist who made the image to the image itself. This has also happened in Christian music. The shift has gone from who God is and what He did to what we get and how wonderful it feels.
The worse-case scenario is the temptation to worship and serve the creature more than the Creator (Romans 1:21-25). In fifteen years of counseling people who are insecure, I have never found a person work out of their insecure thought patterns without taking John’s advice:
He must increase, but I must decrease. – John 3:30 (ESV)
If you are shy, insecure, co-dependent, or struggle with peer-pressure–the biblical term for all of these issues is fear of man–then let me exhort you to think less often about yourself, to not worry about whether or not you have value and to make much of God.
If God increases in your thoughts you will, unwittingly, understand your value. The painting feels good about itself when the painter walks in the room. Love, adore, and worship the Painter much more than yourself and you’ll be okay.
A Book Review: The best treatment on the subject of fear of man is Ed Welch’s book, When People Are Big and God is Small. Here is my review of that book.
- [1] I would not recommend this kind of counseling. It sounds harsh or unkind, though the point is very clear. Dr. Street would not counsel this way. ↩
- [2] Psychology means the study of the soul. We understand from the Scriptures that the Bible is where we learn about the soul (Genesis 2:7; 2 Timothy 3:16) ↩
- [3] Those who struggle with eating disorders typically have similar issues. ↩
